30 Mar

Susan Leighton

Spring is in the air and before you know it, summer will be right around the corner. What does that mean? Vacation season! 

Let’s face it, no one knows what the pandemic situation will be like in the next few months. So, why not get away virtually? 

While it would be wonderful to jet off to some tropical paradise with cabana girls and boys sipping some sort of tequila concoction or a nice, cool, refreshing Mojito, it’s understandable that some of you might want to remain cautious. 

We thought it would be fun to compile a list of perfect cinematic vacation abodes from our favorite horror movies and create Airbnb ads. If you enjoy the mountains, the suburbs or the country, we have got you covered! 

The Evil Dead: Reasonably priced, cozy, secluded cabin in the mountains of Tennessee for rent. 

Looks small on the outside but roomier on the inside. If you like rustic settings and charming vistas, this place is for you! Lots of storage in the cellar, fully furnished. Call now to book your stay.  

Sounds delightful, wouldn't you agree? First of all, we have seen all of the Evil Dead incarnations. In order to get to this place, you are going to have cross a rickety ass bridge from the 1800s which is very sketchy. While this whole idea sounds romantic, Linda, you and Ash just might want to think about heading to Jacksonville. Which come to think about it, is also kind of sleazy. 

While all of this may seem lovely, trust me ads can be deceiving. If you fancy horny trees (We're looking at you, Cheryl) and not to mention unexpected guests in the cellar, then by all means, have at it! 

If you do end up taking this offer, do not mess with that ancient reel to reel tape recorder from 1952. Nothing good will come of it. Oh, and that book on the desk. It is NOT a Bible. Trust us. You don’t want to read from it. 

Ash. ASH!!!!! Put that book down! Crap…. 

The Amityville Horror: A real steal, this French style colonial comes with a quaint boat house. 

This dwelling has tons of old-world charm with acres of land perfect for a new family with plenty of chances to bond with nature. Surprise storage room in the cellar and a new friend for the kids named Jody. Rent now! 

We realize this place is huge. Those windows in the attic are pretty awesome. It’s right on the Amityville River so plenty of time for boating and water sports. Everything is tempting. Don’t give in, Kathy and George. 

This house is going to be a handy man’s dream. The windows inexplicably won’t open and then suddenly they come crashing down on someone’s hand. There is a bad smell and tons of flies. 

Oh, yeah. Before we forget, there is a plumbing problem. Black goo will bubble up out of the toilet like Samara from the well in The Ring. Not to mention the blood that drips down the walls will be a nightmare to clean up! 

By the way, we don’t know if this is worth mentioning but some murders took place in this house. We will assume that bit of information will be a deal breaker. Unless you want George to start progressively looking like the Caveman in the old Geico commercials, Kathy, you should probably pass on this one. 

Burnt Offerings: Breathtaking mansion for rent in upstate New York. Many rooms, stunning landscape and a pool! 

Who wouldn’t think this property is perfect for those lazy, hazy days of summer? Oh, and there is a portion of the house that is off limits, Ben and Marian, so you may want to have the kids steer clear of it. Mrs. Allardyce does not want to be disturbed. 

In our opinion, Burnt Offerings is an underrated horror flick. Top notch actors like Oliver Reed, the late greats Karen Black and Bette Davis gave wonderful performances. Of course, that palatial estate is ridiculous! 

Let’s not forget the pool has a mind of its own, so you may want to proceed with caution. Like the roach motel, you can get in but you can’t get out! It’s summer and with activities at an all-time high, people are bound to get injured. However, the body count at this summer house is insane. Plus, that creepy old woman that no one ever sees is enough for us to not recommend this Willy Wonka House of Horrors. 

On the other hand, if you are the adventurous sort you might enjoy it! 

Which enchanting villa appeals to you?  Pay attention to our helpful “hints” and you will survive the warmer months, we promise. Who knows? It could be a summer to remember…

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